The Incel Diaries, part 9: Are Girls Human?

Reader, I must inform you of several matters. On Monday, classes begin anew at the local community college, so I will be slowing down my posting schedule. Next, to answer the question of, “Do I know where I’m going with this story?” Obviously, I have—

“Uh, Watcher?”

Yes, my cootey-wootey widdle Handsome Chad?

“I don’t need the extra modifier anymore.”

Sure thing.

“I’d really prefer song lyrics instead.”

Song lyrics about you?

“Yeah. Or poetry. You got any?”

Well, off the top of my head, and with apologies to the Sub-Radio parody “Stacy’s Dad”:

Handsome Chad has got me down bad

He’s all that I want, and he’s the latest fad

Stacy can’t you see his sensuality,

I know it might be bad, but I’m in love with Handsome Chad.

“Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff.”

Great! Now let’s get back to the story.

“Wait, you mean I’m not the main character?”

Melvin, having been blocked on Social Bunny by both Cassie and Brockley in the same weekend, is unsure of his place in the savage teenage social hierarchy—not to mention his mother was abducted by aliens. He misses his mother, even though she’s barely been gone for a day—but he doesn’t want to be known as the boy who misses his mother. My god, if that got out—well. Just let it be known that Melvin is very much a MAN, and MEN don’t miss their mothers.

Surely the aliens will bring her back soon.

If there was any day he could have skipped school without consequence, this would be the day. But as an awkward nerdy teen, the thought never occurred to me him. He goes to school.

Everyone is tossing around the ol’ pigskin.

Everyone.

She’s not bad, though.

Cassie is venting to Darling Walsh about—what else?—Melvin’s terrible behavior at the pier Saturday Night. He thinks better of approaching her. Cassie seems mad.

Melvin heads to the cafeteria for breakfast, where he sees Brockley sitting with his girl, Stacy. Jealousy simmers in his heart, but Melvin keeps it together.

He sits within spying distance, just in time to hear a joke about the Pythagorean theorem? Brockley should be telling him that joke. Not Stacy. Stacy doesn’t appreciate nerdy jokes.

Wait. Melvin? Who are you jealous of?

“Both,” Melvin says, miserably.

At least they aren’t talking about his mother.

Melvin chooses not to pay attention in class, instead giving his full attention to the ghosts of conversations past replaying behind his eyeballs. What could’ve he said differently to get Cassie to say yes? Why was he so inept at this? Why was he so stupid? Just so, so stupid.

No, Cassie is the stupid one. Not him. This thought soothes the burnt ends of his feelings, numbing them like lidocaine. Brockley is being unreasonable too. It’s not Melvin’s fault. Nothing is his fault.

After class, he engages in a bro-hug with his new bestie, Johnny Five, so he can make Brockley jealous and show Stacy he is popular and should therefore be her new boyfriend, but it doesn’t work. Neither seem to care.

Melvin slinks off to the computer lab and spends lunch playing video games.

What does Melvin miss? Well, Johnny Five is making friends with Andromeda.

Minerva, always uncomfortable in large crowds, wolfs down her lunch in utter despair. Why is she subjecting herself to such an existence when she could just transform her appearance into that of a non-school-age adult? After all, the only aliens that go to high school are ones born on planet.

Actually, Kaori Nishidake is on the case. She spies Melvn on his way to class and stops him in the hallway.

“Hey, Melvin—the aliens took your mom last night, didn’t they?”

“I, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Melvin says. Maybe they did, okay? But he’s a MAN. And MEN make their own reality. A reality where their mom was not abducted.  

“Cut the shit. You’ll meet me at the Humor and Hijinks Festival if you want to know more,” Kaori says. She doesn’t wait for his reply; she just turns and leaves like the bad ass she is.

Melvin attends class after lunch, but he has all but given up on learning. Stacy sits right next to him, and she is absolutely pungent. Melvin doesn’t mind. He’d lick her armpit if she’d let him.

Stacy ignores Melvin in favor of her phone: the universal signal for “leave me alone.”

After class, Minerva gets up and makes a weird, strangling cry.

Minerva rushes out the door.

“What a weird girl,” Stacy says. “Always talking about Fang flower, too.”

Melvin nods, unable to reply. Stacy talked to him! But it was about aliens, and he doesn’t want to talk about that.

Maybe he would meet Kaori at the festival after all.

At the festival, Melvin sits at the bar like the MAN that he is. He just isn’t sure what he’s supposed to be doing there. He’s seen movies where they talk to the bartender, so he tries that. Sidney—none other than Mr. Popular—is serving up drinks, so Melvin decides he can serve up advice as well.

“How do I get Stacy to like me?” Melvin demands to know.

“What have you tried?” Sidney asks.

“Well, I hit on her while she had a boyfriend, and said inappropriate things about her body.”

“Go on.”

“Then I tried making her jealous, and when that didn’t work I tried taking her down a peg by denying her Homecoming Queen.”

“Then what?” Sidney asks, almost incredulous.

“Then I harassed her during class but she kept staring at her phone.”

“Have you tried getting to know her as a person?” Sidney asks. He’s a very wise bartender.

“She’s a girl,” Melvin explains impatiently, as if person and girl were mutually exclusive.

“I know,” Sidney says. “Girls are people. Just like you.”

That’s the second time Melvin has heard this speech, but it has more impact on him this time, because it came out of the mouth of a wise male bartender. Girls are just people—what a revelation!

“I’m gonna be honest with you,” Sidney says. “You’ve probably blown it with Stacy. She’ll never like you because of how you treated her.”

“But I want her!” Melvin says.

Sidney rolls his eyes. “That doesn’t matter. You’re not the only person to exist. Just because you want her, doesn’t mean she’s obligated to want you back.”

Melvin mulls over Sidney’s words. Girls—they’re just like him. He wants girls to make inappropriate remarks at him, but they get mad when he treats them how he wants to be treated. So how could girls possibly be just like him?

“Brain and brain! What is brain?”

He presents this argument to Sidney, expecting him to finally admit he is wrong, and that girls are actually Eymorgs from the sixth planet of the Sigma Draconis system, receiving all their instructions from a single Controller.

“My dude. You only think you want that. If it were really open season, it would be Jacques Villareal and Geoffrey Landgraab making comments about your butt, not Stacy.”

A small bit of understanding flickers in Melvin’s eyes.

Reader, it is at this time that I must inform you of Kaori’s efforts to investigate Karen’s abduction. While Melvin tries to work out one of the greatest mysteries of all mankind—are girls human, ackshully?—Kaori surveils one Miss Minerva Gooch.

What could her weakness be? Minerva talks an awful lot about plants from her homeworld, and doesn’t seem to be enjoying whatever it is she is eating. Kaori spots an opening.

Kaori asks Minerva if she would like to sample some of Simerica’s homegrown plant-life. Minerva is intrigued.

After a couple puffs, Kaori asks about the abduction of Melvin’s mother.

“Oh that? They were not supposed to catch her. The Sixam Farm Authority is only interested in males, but it is difficult for them to tell—”

Minerva catches herself in her admission. This plant makes her feel very talkative, but she must not forget her mission.  

Minerva excuses herself and departs the festival, unsure what the consequences are for revealing the existence of the Sixam Farm Authority. Probably bad.

Probably very bad.

Kaori has the whole conversation recorded, though.  

The Incel Diaries, Part 8: Consequences

Well, Melvin is grounded, so he’s going to be pretty dull this Sunday.

See? I told you. Why don’t we go check in with Stacy? After all, Deciduous Handsome Chad ignored Stacy during her Cheer competition and didn’t accompany her to Homecoming. Their relationship might be in shambles, and I need some hot tea to serve.

The internet café was downloaded from shellshocked1, who modified the original by BuildaholicSimR

Stacy brings I’m Lovin’ It Handsome Chad to the coffee shop for a serious discussion^TM about their future.

“Chad,” she says.

“Handsome Chad,” Krabby Patty Special Sauce Handsome Chad corrects her.

Wait, is that…Kevin?

“Right, right. Sorry. I think we need to go on a break.” Stacy says. “I have been dating you for my entire digital life, and I feel like I need—Chad, what are you doing with that remote? Are you even listening to me?”

“Handsome Chad.”

“Look, this is what I’m talking about. This right here. You don’t listen to me unless it concerns you. What did I just say?”

“You said Chad.”

“Before that.”

Two-stroke Handsome Chad thinks very hard. “You said—you said—you want a break from digital life?”

No, sorry—close-ish, and perhaps true, but no.

“I want to break up with you,” Stacy says, annoyed. “You don’t listen to me, and you just took pictures of yourself all during my Cheer competition. I had to go to Homecoming alone, and that weirdo Melvin followed me around the whole time!”

“Oh.” Holding Out for a Hero Handsome Chad digests this information. “Well, you could have called me Handsome Chad more.”

Ultimately, though, Stacy and Malibu Handsome Chad split ways. They promise to remain friends, although their respective love meters are now fully negative.  But reader, do you know who was constantly photo-bombing my shots, always sitting within listening distance, while Stacy broke up with Handsome Chad? That’s right. Kevin. Creepy Kevin, a full grown adult snooping on a teenage couple.

Now, Kevin, for most of his married life, has been fine. He always did what he wanted, and Karen took care of everything else—raising the kids, cooking, paying the bills, doing the dishes, sending Winterfest gifts to his family, unclogging the toilet after his unflushable angry poops. Kevin has very little to complain about on that front. In fact, everything was better than ever! Karen recently stopped nagging at him to “take out the trash” or “do the bare minimum.” So life is good!

But for some reason, this public teenage break-up sparks a small bit of anxiety, just to the left of his gall bladder. Do sims have gall bladders? Maybe it was just his spline reticulating. But if a girl could demand to be treated better—then what will happen to men like him?

He does not want to find out. Kevin finishes his after-work espresso and returns home, full of gossip. The family congregates around the television.

“Blond couple in the café today,” says Kevin, at the first commercial break. “About your age, Melvin.”

Melvin is suddenly very attentive (this is his attentive face, I swear). “What happened?” he asks.

“Public break-up.” Kevin thinks about what he saw, and then rearranges it to fit his worldview. “You should’ve seen it. That girl was absolutely begging for him back, but he wouldn’t have it.”

“So he broke up with her?” Melvin asks, wondering how he can twist this to his favor. Who else could it be but Stacy?

Alarm bells start ringing in Karen’s head. What is happening here? Why is Kevin gossiping about teenagers he hasn’t even met?

“Sure did.” Kevin says. “Absolutely brutal, what he said to her, and she just kept begging for him to take her back.”

“What did he say,” asks Melvin, all too eagerly.

“Melvin, that isn’t nice.” Karen says. “Let them have some privacy.” She gives Kevin a meaningful look.

“No,” Kevin says. “The boy should know what he said. Let him learn the secrets—treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen, I always say.”

“Do you? Is that what you always say?” Karen is not having any more of this conversation. Her death glare inspires Kevin to mumble that the show is back on.

Unfortunately for Melvin, but perhaps fortunately for Kevin and his marriage, Kevin shuts up. Karen has had enough at that point, saying she’s going to bed early.

Melvin consults his phone, desperate for any more news of Fifth Edition Handsome Chad tearing Stacy’s soft, fleshy, heart in twain. He hears the jaunty ping of a new message—Melvin opens it eagerly. He is immediately disappointed. It’s just Brockley.

Brockley is outside his house. And Brockley is sad. Poor, poor Brockley.

Melvin greets Brockley in typical Melvin fashion—by droning on about his own issues. “Did you hear about Stacy? Dumped!”

Brockley doesn’t look quite as enthused as Melvin does. “That’s…great?” Brockley guesses. But then he brings up the issue that’s been bothering him: “Is it true Johnny Five is your new best friend?”

“Don’t be like  that, Brockley. I can have more than one best friend.”

“No you can’t!”  Brockley says. “Everyone know when you get a new best friend, the old one falls out of touch.”

Brockley is correct. I do not have the multiple best friends mod. A shame, really. But that doesn’t stop Melvin from trying to lie.

“I can have multiple best friends,” Melvin says. “I don’t know about anyone else.”

“I don’t think we should be any kind of friends anymore, Melvin.” Bockley does not look happy as he informs Melvin. “Sorry.”

Brockley, you loyal bean. You are too beautiful for this world.

Well, Melvin, you’ve done it now. Are you happy with yourself? First Cassie, now Brockley. At least you still have Becky, for some unfathomable reason? For now, at least.

As Melvin trudges back to his basement, Karen keeps trying to forget Kevin’s words. “Treat ‘em mean,” he said. “Keep ‘em  keen.” What kind of a philosophy is that?

“Oh, he was just kidding,” Karen tells herself. “That’s just his way of joking.”

Weird thing about jokes, though—they’re usually funny.

Karen goes outside, troubled by her thoughts. Maybe some fresh air will help her.

Uh oh. Reader, I think this story has gone off the rails.

The Incel Diaries, part 7: The Homecoming Dance

Today is the big day! The Homecoming Dance! And Melvin isn’t going alone; no, the famous Cassie Goth is his date.

Melvin engages in some rare self-care when he wakes up: applying zit powder. After all, skin care comes with instant results, and it certainly doesn’t matter if one simply does not have a regular skin care regimen. Last ditch, haphazard efforts for the win!  

Melvin is soon interrupted, though. Somehow, Johnny Five has managed to sneak into his room, unannounced and uninvited. Now, Johnny has a greater grasp on human relationships than say, Minerva, but he’s still prone to a faux pas every now and again.

Johnny Five has a burning question for Melvin.

Of course, Melvin says yes to being Johnny’s best friend. I mean, Brockley who? Johnny is part of the popular crowd. He knows Stacy. The beautiful, sexy, Stacy.

To cement their best-friendship, and also because I have yet to see one, Melvin challenges Johnny to a pillow fight.

Oof, Melvin, are you even winning?

Don’t hide; they’re, like, pillows.

Karen, sensing a commotion in the basement, comes to see what’s going on.

“Mom!” Melvin whines. “Leave us alone! God!”

Well, okay, Melvin. Did someone ask you to feed Tina, too? Do the chickens have large talons? Should I vote for Pedro? Sheesh.

Luckily for Melvin’s social life, before he can fully turn Johnny Five against him, he and Cassie are invited to a pre-Homecoming get together at Darling Walsh’s fancy apartment in San Myshuno. Sims are used to excellent high-speed rail, unlike me, who has only ever know buses that run every half hour as public transportation.

Melvin spies Tyrone talking to Cassie. Well, he needs to nip that in the bud right away. Cassie might start to compare Melvin to Tyrone—and we can’t have that, now.

Melvin asks Cassie to sing a duet on Darling’s karaoke machine. The only available genre is country, so Melvin warbles through a few stanzas about workin’ 9 to 5, though he’s never actually had a job. Cassie seems to be having a great time.

Excellent. Everything is going according to plan. Melvin keeps nonchalantly motioning toward his nethers in an attempt to get Cassie “primed” for later.

Reader—ew. I am so, so sorry I just wrote that.

At seven, they arrive at the auditorium, which decorates itself for the Homecoming dance.

At first, it seems to go well. Melvin and Cassie slow dance.

But then, Melvin sees Stacy. She is breathtaking in her extremely formal gown.

And she appears to be here without Great Value Handsome Chad? Melvin can hardly believe his luck. Is there trouble in paradise? Melvin will be there to offer his shoulder to Stacy. She will cry—but not ugly cry—dampening his “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt with her tears, and then she will look up at Melvin through her perfect, long, lashes, and she will say, “I never should have dated Chad. You’re my dream guy, Melvin.”

“Of course I am,” Melvin will say, suavely, and Stacy will fall into his arms, and he will carry her off to the Cuddle Carts, where they will definitely mess around.

 Melvin abandons his date on the dance floor to annoy Stacy. “Hey Stacy,” he says, but Stacy doesn’t reply.

“Stacy! Hey Stacy!”

Stacy talks to Johnny Five.

“Hey Stacy, it’s me, Melvin! Stacy! It’s Melvin!”

Stacy speaks with Tyrone and Andromeda.

Bitch, Melvin thinks bitterly. Up until now, Melvin wasn’t sure who he would vote for for Homecoming Queen—but now—now he knows. A devious smile spreads across his face. Not only will he vote for Cassie—

he’ll follow Marjorie Taylor Green’s suggestion and vote for Cassie twice. Or three times, even.

Reader, I actually did get Melvin to vote for Cassie twice! Would you look at that. Actual voter fraud done by shitty people. Of course, the Homecoming committee doesn’t have, like, a single check or balance to prevent it, but they may consider implementing a guard or something in the future.

Cassie is surprised to learn she is Homecoming Queen. She accepts with all the dignity and grace that the situation calls for. But honestly? Cassie feels the warm embrace of friendship. It was tough being new, especially so because of Malcolm Landgraab’s bullying, but now she feels accepted.  

Andromeda Sky is Homecoming Jester. I don’t think that’s correct; she doesn’t seem the jesting sort, but the hat looks pretty good with her outfit, so who am I to judge?

You’d think that Melvin, after enacting his grand plan to date the Homecoming Queen, would pay attention to said Homecoming Queen, but he only has eyes for Stacy. Who seems quite pissed off that Cassie won.

The rush that Melvin gets from having the slightest bit of power over Stacy curls his toes.

After Homecoming is over, Melvin and Cassie go to an after party at Plumbite Pier. They stroll down the walk and end up in front of the Cuddle Carts, in which Melvin must Mess Around in order to complete the first tier of his aspiration. Melvin shows his date two tickets for the ride.

“So, Cassie,” he says. “You want to show me your tunnel of love?”

Really smooth, Melvin. Let’s see how that works out for you.

Oof. Rejected. Let’s listen to what Cassie says. Maybe this relationship can be salvaged.

“I like you Melvin,” Cassie says, “but I wanted to take things slow. We can go on the Ferris Wheel, if you want.”

Well, Melvin—that sounds promising. Cassie’s answer isn’t no; it’s not right now, and if you respect her wishes, then—

“I made you Homecoming Queen,” Melvin rants. “You owe me.”

“What?” Cassie is genuinely shocked.

“I cheated you into being Homecoming Queen. The least you could do Mess Around with me in the Cuddle Carts. You owe it to me!”

Melvin, this is what is called a covert contract. You’re acting as if she agreed to take your virginity because you’re a cheating cheater who cheated on her behalf, and now you’re angry because she isn’t following the script in your twisted little noggin. It’s disgusting behavior, and you need to cut it out.

“I didn’t ask you to cheat for me, you knob!” Cassie is angry, but also sad, because now she knows that the other students weren’t accepting her like she thought. “Plus you ignored me for half the night so you could follow Stacy around like a lost puppy!”

Uh-oh, Melvin. She noticed what you were doing, in plain sight, right in front of her. She must have some sort of super-average sight and hearing. What will you do, Melvin?

“I did not!” Melvin lies. “You’re over-reacting because—because—you’re just a crazy, jealous, llama-girl!”

Melvin, now you’re gaslighting Cassie. Gaslighting is a special type of lie where you try to make your victim doubt their interpretation of events, especially when their interpretation is spot on. I mean, you’re not doing a great job of gaslighting her, but that is, indeed, what you’re trying to achieve. Stop being a little prick, Melvin.  

“Jealous? Over what? You? Don’t make me laugh.” Cassie is at heart-explodey levels of furious. “I never want to see or hear from you again.”  

“All you girls are the same,” Melvin shouts back at her. “Why don’t you go run off to Brain Eating amoeba Handsome Chad like I know you want to?”

“What the heck does Three-Toed Handsome Chad have to do with anything? You have problems, Melvin. Get help.” Cassie stalks off.

Melvin, that’s a great suggestion. I fear that short of a court order, that isn’t going to happen, though.

Melvin trudges home. As he walks, the adrenaline wears off, and the weight of what he’s done begins to settle on his sloping shoulders. He hurt Cassie, says his conscience. He waves the thought away like it’s a fly. What about Brockley, buzzes the voice.

“Brockley is fine,” Melvin says, a little too loudly. “And Cassie is the one who’s wrong.”

When Melvin arrives home, there is one last surprise waiting for him.

“It’s five in the morning, you little piece of gutter trash,” Kevin yells. “You’re grounded!”

The Incel Diaries, part 6: The Upside-Down

Note: Reader, we are going to call this prom, “Homecoming,” because having prom every week is stupid.

Cassie asking Melvin to Homecoming has apparently unleashed chaos in the world.  Lies are truth. Left is right. Charging criminal ex-presidents with their obvious, admitted-to crimes is fascism. Taxes are slavery. Age of consent laws are slavery. Being arrested for attempting to overthrow the government is slavery. Everything is slavery except slavery, which is freedom. The Upside-Down is here. Thanks, Cassie.

Schubert Leung is attempting to stink-bomb lockers.

Schubert Leung is failing his exams.

Nevada has stolen back her position as official school bully from a rich, white boy.

Becky is…wait. This can’t be right. Becky is friends with Melvin? Social Bunny is clearly over-powered.

Melvin’s ego, a fragile thing of unusually small stature, has, like the Grinch’s heart, grown three sizes.

Melvin now has a new friend, and a potential love interest, so he ought to be pretty happy about this decidedly unexpected turn of events, right? Wrong. Cassie, though an icon, is not Stacy, and Melvin still wants Stacy. He wants her like he wanted his pizza roll-up.

So, naturally, he will be upfront with Cassie about his love for obsession with another girl and make sure she knows that he only wants to go to Homecoming as fri—HAHAHA, oh no, ha ha—wheeze—lol no. C’mon. He is going to string Cassie along in an attempt to make Stacy jealous and pry her away from Low Sodium Handsome Chad. Duh.

Melvin even socializes with Tyrone at lunch—that’s how far this world has gone off the rails.

Melvin questions Tyrone about the Homecoming Dance. Will there be a keg? Can he wear his Star Trek Uniform? Does he have to buy Cassie flowers? On a scale of 1-10, what are the chances Cassie will mess around with him in the photo booth?

“Uh, no, there won’t be a keg. This is high school?” Tyrone says, a little disturbed. “You dance and take pictures and vote for Homecoming Queen.”

Stacy, thinks Melvin. Stacy will be Homecoming Queen. Or he could rig it for Cassie—that might knock Stacy down to his league. He, Melvin, could be on a date with the Homecoming Queen.

What a dilemma!

“Okay,” says Melvin. “No keg, yes Homecoming Queen. What about my other questions?”

“It’s a formal dance, so I don’t think your Star Trek uniform is going to cut it. And as for flowers, that depends on what you and Cassie—“

“Fang flower is the secret,” Minerva interrupts.

“What’s Fang flower?” Tyrone asks.

Indeed, Tyrone, thank you for asking. I’ve been wondering myself.

Minerva thinks very hard for a moment. Translation is still quite difficult for her, despite the Simlish correspondence courses the Sixam Farm Authority sent her. Minerva once saw a video on a series of tubes, where the extremely licensed and legal hoo-man male Dr. Oz shopped at Wegner’s, the only purveyor of Fang flower, on behalf of his child-bearer. What did he call it? Oh yes.

“I mean crudité. Crudité is required if you want to mate. You hoo-mans may have smaller crudité sensing organs,” Minerva points to the tips of her ears, “but I assure you the pollen is still required.”

“That’s enough of this conversation,” Tyrone says. “I’m out.”

Tyrone, you are all of us. Thank you for quitting before answering Melvin’s last question.

After school, Melvin could have hung out at Thrift-Tea with Cassie, but instead he asks Brockley if he wants to check out the cheerleading competition.

“Sure,” Brockley says. Inside, Brockley feels the glow and warmth of friendship, something he definitely didn’t feel in the lunchroom, while Melvin snubbed Brockley for Tyrone.

Melvin is Brockley’s best friend.

Oh, Brockley, you innocent, loyal bean. Your next life will be far better than this one.

Melvin and Brockley trek across the school and arrive at the competition.

Of course 99.7% Naugahyde Handsome Chad is here.

With Stacy, of course. Showing off their relationship. Melvin is disappointed but not surprised. Jealousy, that green-eyed devil, begins to prod his insides. Why does Non-GMO Handsome Chad get to date and mess around with Stacy? Just because he was there first? Melvin deserves a turn chance.

Uh, gross, Melvin.

As a palate cleanser, we shall gaze upon Brockley doing his homework, because Melvin abandoned him, once again, to stalk Stacy—oh. Not really a palate cleanser, then. Just more evidence that Melvin ruins everything.

Melvin watches Stacy perform her routine. How beautiful she is, like a plastic bag caught on a gust of wind, dipping and dancing, swirling and tumbling through the air. How he longs to pluck that ethereal, shimmering plastic from the sky and keep it for himself, to twist it around his fingers.

He knows how to get close to her now. After her routine is finished, he chokes down his comments about wanting her legs wrapped around his waist. “Hey Stacy,” Melvin says. “Have you seen this video?”

It’s a video of a dust bunny begging for snacks. Simple. Innocuous. Stacy laughs.

The Incel Diaries, part 5: The Attitude Adjustment

After Melvin’s terrible day at school, he drags himself down to his basement like the troll that he is. Melvin’s mother, Karen, is waiting for him. Perhaps she sensed something was wrong? Maybe she decided she hadn’t interacted with her son in, I dunno, about 4 in-game days? Which is understandable, I suppose, since Melvin is constantly gone all hours of the day, because that is how this expansion pack is designed. You think you have time management skills, but then suddenly its 9:00 pm and your sim is starving, exhausted, and filthy.

But I digress. Karen barely gets through the sentence, “What’s wrong?” before Melvin vents about everything that happened to him at school this entire week, how he feels like everyone is pointing and laughing at him, how  he’s been bullied by Nevada and Malcolm, how every girl rejects him, how Now With 50% More Handsome Chad has everything and he has nothing. Absolutely nothing. How can he, Melvin, be the very best, like no one ever was, if he, Melvin, cannot collect them all?

“Oh, Melvin,” Karen says. “Girls aren’t Voidcritters. They’re people, like you. They have wants and fears—not whims though, not anymore—and some of them act horribly, like Nevada. Secondly, rejection is not this big deal you’ve made it to be. Who did you ask?”

“Stacy.”

“And what did she say?”

“She has a boyfriend,” Melvin sniffles. “That Bastard Handsome Chad.”

“You knew that?” Karen asks, a little incredulous. “Before you asked?”

Melvin nods.

“Then why on earth did you ask her out? Of course she was going to reject you.”

“But I’m nice, Mom,” Melvin whines. “Not like Tick-Infested Handsome Chad. I’d treat Stacy like a queen, and she knows it—she would just rather be with a good-looking dirtbag rather than giving a nice guy like me a chance.”

Reader, I may have thrown up a little as I wrote that last line. Karen doesn’t know that Totally Hair Handsome Chad actually tried to befriend Melvin when they first met, and she also doesn’t know Melvin says creepy, inappropriate things to all the girls he meets, but I think she sees through her son just the same.

“Disrespecting someone’s relationship isn’t nice,” Karen says. “Acting like girls are collectibles isn’t nice. Let me give you some advice. You know your friend Brockley? Before you say anything to a girl, you think about if you would say it to Brockley. And if you wouldn’t say it to Brockley, don’t say it to the girl, okay?”

Melvin sniffs. It wasn’t like his way was working out for him. He’d give his mother’s advice a shot. “Okay, Mom.”

Karen gives her son a hug. “High school years are an awkward, painful time, Melvin, but I believe in you.”

Well, let’s see if Karen’s words have had an effect.

Melvin begins the school day by propositioning horse llama girl Ginger Snap, but you can tell he wants to recapture the words as soon as they exit his mouth.  

“You know what? No,” Ginger says. “It’s too early for this llama-shit. Piss off, Melvin.”

Melvin pisses off. He pisses off all through class, where he thinks about his mother and Brockley and how he can, maybe, try to control the words that spew forth from his pizza-roll-up hole. What if—and this is a big what if—what if he just didn’t comment on the bodies of the girls around him? What if he just kept his woo-hoo thoughts to himself? It will take a monumental act of self-control, but Melvin is just that kind of hero.

Reader, Melvin has ascended to what is known as the bottom of the barrel.

At lunch, he sits with Melonica, Darling Walsh, and Minerva. Melvin does not tell Darling that he is also a lesbian, and therefore she should date him. Melvin does not tell Minerva how woo-hoo-able she looks as she devours her Quill fruit. And he does not ask Melonica how many pixels her bra contains. Instead, he shares a conspiracy theory about being in a simulation.

He tells vampire puns. He tells jokes about llama-nade and politicians. They—they think he’s funny.

As lunch ends and everyone lines up for class, Melvin spies Cassie Goth, the new girl. She is upset (probably just got dumped by Ultra-Absorbent Handsome Chad, Melvin thinks fleetingly).

“Hey,” Melvin says. “You want to sit down?”

Cassie does.

Melvin does not suggest that woo-hoo would make Cassie feel better. Melvin feels like this is a great personal sacrifice, but one that he is willing to make. After all, if this doesn’t work, he can tell her tomorrow. Instead, he asks her about her day.

Turns out, Cassie’s day has been awful. Malcolm Landgraab has it out for her—apparently there’s a long standing feud between Malcolm’s mother and her father—and he has been calling her names and trying to throw a frozen drink on her all day.

Old Melvin would have said that he’d like to see her in a frozen drink wet t-shirt contest. New, day-old Melvin relates to her by saying Malcolm is terrible and telling his tale of woe involving Nevada. They commiserate about the awfulness of bullies.

Cassie shows Melvin pictures of her friends at her old school.

Melvin almost—almost—mentions how incredibly hot Cassie’s friends are, but he manages to stop, just in time.

Cassie and Melvin goof around.

Then it happens.

Reader, I am shook. SHOOK!

The Incel Diaries, part 4: The Pizza Roll-up of Consequence

Reader, I must confess. I have not been calling Handsome Chad by his full name, Handsome Chad. I forgot, reader. I forgot. I will be better. No, reader, I will actually be best. Until I make up for this crime and Handsome Chad forgives me, I will throw a few extra adjectives his way.

By the way, look at this:

Full classrooms! Full of sims I placed in the world! I have Aramiteus to thank for his MoreClassMates mod and his MaximumSimsInZone40 mod. Lunch time gets a little crowded, but only because I chose not to add a second cafeteria stand—which is a thing you can do with this mod! Unfortunately, I still can’t get my vampires to show up—I have two, and they are apparently homeschooled—but this is an issue with all the mods I’ve tried. So far, this is the best one. You do have to make an account with nexusmods.com in order to download it, but it’s a small (and free) price to pay.

But anyway. Back to the Burdens.

Kevin begins the day with an early morning walk on the beach, where he scares a flock of very angular birds. Kevin is a simple man. He just wants misery for all creatures, great and small.

Karen has work today so she’s busy climbing into her customer service persona.

There it is. The fit is just a little tighter, a little more constricting, with each  passing day.

And Melvin…well. He spent a little too long at Plumbite Pier, getting nowhere with that slightly alien girl Minerva, so he is absolutely wiped this morning.

There are a lot of new students today: Malcolm Landgraab, Cassie Goth, the, uh, janitor? Looks like Malcolm has taken over school bully duties from Nevada. It’s like the presidency, with peaceful transition of power between administrations. I wonder if Nevada is going to try to January Six Malcolm. (Note to self: make sim named January Six.)

Looks like Melvin is still not getting anywhere with Minerva.

Class drains his needs even further. Still, he gamely tries to hit on another new girl, Andromeda Sky, an out and proud alien. No disguise for Andromeda! Can you tell I love aliens? Can you?

Ahem. Andromeda is not impressed. She wants nothing to do with Melvin, whose plumbob is already an icky yellow color.  

Melvin spends lunch with Brockley and a couple of pre-made townies, but he averts his eyes when he sees Silky Smooth Handsome Chad standing in an honest-to-god lunch line. (So many sims!)  Melvin just does not have the energy for Moist, Handsome Chad today.

Though Melvin does have time to tell Stacy his impressively large and girthy Gamerscore.

I don’t think she understands the significance of having a whole lot of imaginary internet poin—uh, on second thought, Melvin, I think she’s fully aware. Yeah. She’s got it.

Somehow, he finds himself paired with Stacy in P.E. This is it, Melvin. Your chance to impress Stacy by grinding her into a fine dust via physical competition.

She shoots—and the ball swooshes through the net.

Melvin grabs the ball, bounce left, bounce right—and then he attempts a jump shot, clinging to the hoop like a tick.

But he never really considered how he would get down, and he falls, rather awkwardly, onto the floor, brusing his tailbone.The ball didn’t even make it through the hoop.

The bell rings and Stacy wastes no time exiting the building.

Melvin swallows his failure. It goes down like a solid lump of gristle, and yet it still, somehow, remains at the back of his throat. School is over, the cafeteria lady has gone home, and Melvin realizes he’s starving.

He drops some change into the vending machine and selects a pizza roll-up. The mechanism responds, and pushes his snack just to the edge of the internal shelf. It falls forward, and with a just barely audible tap, the top of the pizza roll-up lands against the glass and falls no further.

The machine has robbed him. Melvin can’t hold in his frustrations any longer. Every girl rejects him. Wet ‘n’ Wild Handsome Chad has everything he wants, leaving him with nothing. He’s hangry, and tired, and irritable (wait—this sounds a little familiar, let me just check for a menstruation mod—nope, carry on), and his ass hurts, and nothing has gone right all day, and Melvin finds himself clinging to the front of the vending machine, screaming that even if he has nothing else, he will  have his food, rocking back and forth—Melvin, did you know you could die doing this? I didn’t save the game yet.

Oh no.

Whew! Melvin escapes death, thank goodness.

Still, despite such a close brush with his own mortality, he goes for round two. This time, his pizza roll-up falls to the bottom with a satisfying thump.

The adrenaline begins to wear off as he makes his way to the cafeteria to sit down and eat.

Oh Melvin. Don’t make me feel sorry for you.

The Incel Diaries, part 3: Can’t Buy Me Love

After Melvin’s disastrous  first day of school, he stalks past his parents and spends the rest of the evening hiding under his covers. Maureen, his little sister, is in her room, leveling up her newest Voidcritter, a limited edition foil Meduso. That leaves a quiet evening for Kevin and Karen, who I left in the living room for all of thirty seconds while I tucked Melvin into bed.

Reader, in those thirty seconds, Kevin had absolutely tanked his relationship with Karen.

Spouses start off with, I think, the friendly and romance bar set at fifty percent. By the time I managed to intercede, Kevin and Karen were acquaintances. Acquaintances!

Karen, why are you married to Kevin?

“He wasn’t always like this,” Karen explains, a bit nervously. “He used to be so thoughtful. But then he lost his job with the military—that darn mother plant—and he tried to find a new career, but he just couldn’t.”

“He spent so much time at home, just watching the Faux News Network instead. Then came Social Bunny. And he just kept getting angrier and angrier.”

“When I’m around, I try to get him to watch the Great Simmish Bake Off, or something nice. But he just stares at Social Bunny the whole time it’s on. Kevin’s just going through a rough patch right now.”

Oof. That’s rough, Karen.

Melvin spent so long hiding in his bedroom that he didn’t have time to take a shower before school. After rushing out the door to catch the bus, Melvin arrives at school, and his mood is terrible; stress abounds. So, he starts the day by telling Chad, who has donned a computer club t-shirt, that he couldn’t find X even if he had an Xbox, and that his mother smells like Llamas.

“What’s your problem, Melvin?” Chad asks. He’s never been mean to Melvin. Not once. Chad’s even nice to Melvin on Social Bunny, which is somewhat shocking, because Melvin responds to all of Chad’s posts with the eyeroll bunny.

“I don’t have a problem,” Melvin stammers, taken aback by the direct confrontation. In Melvin’s world, confrontation is bad; a tool of the confident. Melvin is not that. Petty, passive aggressive slights are his go to.

Nevada—Melvin’s worst nightmare—swaggers up to them. “Don’t let him get you down, Chad,” Nevada says. “Pube-face here isn’t worth worrying about.” Nevada laughs at her insult. “I’m surprised it isn’t growing on his neck.”

Melvin turns around and walks into the school, seething. But that interaction is quickly forgotten when he spies the lovely Stacy in the cafeteria, studying for her exams. Oh, Stacy, so beautiful and smart—how can Melvin finally capture her attention from the villainous Chad?

The gears inside Melvin’s head grind and churn. Chad is valued in the woohoo marketplace only because so many females want him. That means—one of the gears begins to smoke—that if Melvin had many females interested in him, then Stacy would also like him! That’s how it goes, right? That’s how females work? Right? Right? Melvin really wants to be right.

And so, operation Make Stacy Jealous begins. But the question is—who will make Stacy jealous?

He could try Melonica. Or not, as she is clearly in league with Chad.

Or there was that weird, barefoot girl Minerva Gooch.

Minerva was pretty cute.

Yeah, he’d try Minerva.

After school, Melvin invites Minerva (not Melonica and certainly not Maureen) to Plumbite Pier.

I have only just realized my preference for M names might be causing an issue. Oh well.

Melvin tries compliment. It’s not very effective.

“Have you ever tried Quill fruit?” Minerva says. “It tastes like puppies.”

“Uh, puppies?”

“I meant pustules,” Minerva says evenly. “Not puppies. I like Quill fruit.”

Melvin shifts tactics.  He can just buy her friendship! Duh! Why didn’t he think of that before? It would probably work on Stacy too. And he just happened to have a gift-wrapped box of simoleons stored up his ass—I mean, stored in his inventory. He pulls it out, fully expecting this social interaction to work.

It…does not work.

“I don’t see any fang flower,” Minerva says. She licks the box. “Nope, no fang flower. I am disappointed.”

Melvin tries flirt. Blocked. Melvin tries Get to Know. No dice. Melvin tries to Joke About Martians.

“The Martians are good friends of mine,” Minerva says calmly, as if explaining to an ignorant child. “They’re not like that.”

It’s late in the day, and Melvin’s lack of a shower is starting to intrude on their conversation. But he has one last trick up his sleeve. Melvin has read all of Tyler Teague’s books, and there is one move so powerful, so suave, that all the females will come swarming to his side when he uses it. Melvin uses—

Impress with Video Game Prowess.

It fails to impress Minerva. Fails! Does this mean that Tyler the Pickup King is wrong? No. Couldn’t be. Melvin must have done it wrong.

“You stink,” Minerva says.

Dejected, Melvin resorts to the truth. Or a version of the truth, anyway. “I’m lonely,” Melvin says. “And I thought you’d be able to help me fix that.”

Minerva considers Melvin’s words. Could it be? Is he in?

“No,” Minerva says. “You didn’t bring Fang flower. If you were lonely, you should have brought Fang flower.”

Oh well, Melvin. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe you can trick a girl into liking you tomorrow.

The Incel Diaries, part 2: Melvin’s First Day

High School courtesy of ItsLoolyLoo.

It is a dark and dreary morning in Copperdale. The students, having to bus in from Brindleton Bay, are there before the sun. The beautiful Stacy and her friend Becky are playing with footballs, much to the chagrin of Johnny Five.

Ouch! Stacy beaned Johnny Five right in the squishy part of his skull…wait, do humans have squishy skulls? Never mind, I mean, what I meant to say is that Stacy beaned Johnny right in his very not-squishy, very human skull. Johnny makes a mental note to share this information with Ted Cruz the Human Senator from the Human state of Texas.

“Principal,” Melvin says, putting on his best sing-song tattletale voice, “Look at what Becky is wearing! She distracted Johnny Five and now he has a concussion or something. Look!”

The principal agrees and dress codes Becky. “You need to change into your cheerleader uniform right away. And don’t give me any sass about how having to change from one highly sexualized outfit into another highly sexualized outfit that just happens to be sanctioned by the school is hypocritical; I’m fully aware! Do it anyway!”

“Fine,” Becky says. “There’s whole Woohoo-Hub categories dedicated to cheerleaders, but whatever.”

“My tender ears,” gasps Melvin. “Why, I have never heard of such a thing.”

Score one for Melvin! Pleased as punch, he goes to claim a locker. To no ones surprise, he chooses gamer decorations.

Melvin sits with his friend Brockley Spears, and spends his class time staring at the incomparable Stacy. Oh Stacy—if only she were single and not hugged up with that pretty boy Chad. Melvin would show her the world. Shining, shimmering—wait…that sounds familiar…

After class Melvin tries to spread some gossip with Brockley. “Chad,” Melvin says, “puts his ear wax in the garden salad.”

“What? Ew,” Brockley says, disgusted. As are we, Brockley. As are we.

Melvin makes his constipated face in solidarity, but he knows the truth—Melvin also puts his ear wax in the garden salad. Oh, the shame!

Lunch time in the cafeteria. There’s Becky, now in her cheerleading outfit. Chad is talking with Stacy and ignoring his sliders. Melvin conjures up a bold plan to show Stacy his worthiness as a mate, as a provider. He will become the Alpha Male of the Group and revel in the glory that provides him with this one simple trick! He reaches out…

…and steals Chad’s sliders. Good job? I don’t think that’s going to have the intended effect, but go off, I guess? Chad does look a little broken up about it, but maybe it’s because he feels bad for you, Melvin. Maybe he thinks you don’t get to eat at home.

Melvin sits down with his prize, Chad’s chewed upon sliders. “Becky,” Melvin says. “I have something to tell you.”

Becky leans in, waiting for the hot goss.

“I saw Chad at the Finchwick Fair. Stealing chickens.”

I don’t know what you expected, Becky. It’s Melvin. He disappoints us all.

The bell rings, and it’s time to go back to class. This time, Stacy sits next to Melvin. Praise be to RNGesus! I mean, sorry Brockley—it’s Stacy. Melvin can’t believe his good fortune.

So, when presented with a female crush object, what’s the first thing Melvin does? That’s right, he makes it all about the woohoo.  “I had a dream about you last night, Stacy. We messed around in the Cuddle Carts at Plumbite Pier and I did this move–”

Stop. Just stop.  Everyone knows you’re lying. That’s just your fantasy. If you really had a dream about Stacy, she would be in the local Walmart and she’d have the tail of a velociraptor, and she’d just be knocking candles off the shelves like a cat, and then you’d have to say, “sorry ma’am, but your elephant isn’t allowed in here” and then the whole store would be flooded up to your ankles with prune juice that fell from the moon. So shut up, Melvin. You’re not suave.

When Stacy gets up to leave, Melvin intercepts her. “Au revoir, m’lady,” he says, without a hint of irony, while attempting to kiss Stacy’s hands.

Stacy jerks her hands away. “I have a boyfriend!”

Failed—I mean, foiled again. But Melvin doesn’t have time to process what Stacy said, because he is interrupted by the commotion behind him. Nevada Steele, the most popular girl in school, the head cheerleader, and all-around mean girl, is picking on Brockley, Melvin’s best friend in the world!

Stacy sticks around to watch how this goes down.

“Your mother was a llama!” Dang, Nevada. You’re supposed to imply that, not just say it outright. Brockley looks like he might cry. Poor Brockley. I’m sorry I dragged you into this cruel world. I promise to put you in a kinder save file next time.

Melvin goes to the mat for Brockley, though. “Fisticuffs!” Melvin cries. “I challenge you to fisticuffs!” Melvin has no fitness skill but how hard could it possibly be to smack some sense into a female? Simerica ought to take after Ferenginar, he mused, where the females were naked and left at home.

“Oh, you just made your last mistake,” Nevada says. “Prepare to meet the grim reaper.”

A fight breaks out. Stacy is very invested in the outcome. On the one hand, Nevada is an absolute tyrant. If Melvin somehow manages to win, it will upset the social balance and Nevada might try to take out her frustrations on the cheer team. On the other hand, Nevada is a big meanie.

Who’s going to win? Place your bets.

I hope you didn’t bet on Melvin. He lost. Lost! He can scarcely believe it. He runs out into the hall, humiliated, where he spies Melonica and Johnny Five.

Johnny Five stares suspiciously while listening with his average hearing.

“Thanks for standing up to that bully,” Melonica says, offering her hand for a high five.

Melvin leaves her hanging.

He runs for the safety of home, of his internet connection and his neckbeard nest. He rolled two fears today: Fear of crowds and fear of being gossiped about. We didn’t even talk about Social Bunny. This was just his first day? How is he going to get through high school?    

The Incel Diaries, part 1.5: The Great Teenpocalypse of 2022

How to make your sims show up at high school

Behold the nightmare of getting the correct teenagers to show up at school: I downloaded Rex’s Choose High School Classmates mod, to choose which sims went to school, and Zerbu’s High School Spawn Fix, to keep them from being replaced by random new sims. While these mods, working together, sorta worked, I was still getting so many townies. Becky, Tyrone, and Melonica simply weren’t showing up, Schubert showed up occasionally, and Gemma Charm showed up. Every. Damn. Day.

I could understand if it was Cassie Goth, but Gemma Charm? She’s not iconic. I barely know who she is.

I could not get the Choose High School Classmates to work properly. The game just ignored my choices for the non-required sims. So, I aged everyone out of high school with cas.fulleditmode—some up, some down, but no teens exist now that I didn’t make (except for Cassie and Malcolm). I could probably get away with just Zerbu’s mod now.  

I also downloaded the No Constant Phones mod, because, what the fuck.

Unfortunately, MCCC is gone because it was conflicting with prom and doing something with the aging. As soon as I removed it, Melvin’s teen lifespan increased another week. And after what happened at school when I finally got to play his first day, he’ll probably need it.

The Incel Diaries, Part 1: The Voidcritter Arcade

“Captain’s Log, stardate 765.1. My sister continues to obsess over these creatures called Voidcritters. She has asked our father for permission to visit their home planet.”

Oh, Melvin. I don’t know what you need to do to get the cool kids to like you, but I’m pretty sure that’s not it.

The hotfix is live and so aging is now on normal. Melvin has just over 12 days to befriend three people (at least one of whom must be female), graduate, and fix his character values. I have changed his aspiration to Drama Llama, so let’s complete that too. We’ll also make sure his reputation is not in the red. Let’s see, any more rules we can add? Oh yes—when Melvin meets a pretty girl, he will immediately make inappropriate comments.

Can’t be making this too easy now.

It’s a fine Sunday afternoon, and neither Melvin nor Maureen knows a single soul in Brindleton Bay.  That’s understandable; they just moved here from Newcrest, but to be honest, Melvin’s track record at Newcrest K-12 wasn’t the greatest. His only friends were online, on Zero-Chan, where he developed an “edgy” “sense of humor.” But this is a fresh start! For all the other teens know, he was the most popular kid in class.

Or, you know, not that.

Maureen begins the day asking Kevin if she can go to the Voidcritter Arcade. Kevin says she can go, but only if Melvin goes with her.

“What do you mean I have to take Maureen to the Voidcritter Arcade?!” Melvin interobangs indignantly. “I was going to go to Plumbite Pier!” He turns to his mother for relief from such an injustice. But alas, no relief is found.

Voidcritter Arcade courtesy of groali2234.

Unfortunately for Melvin, his parents won this one. Maureen immediately goes to train her favorite Voidcritter, and Melvin sits down at the chess table, dejectedly wondering about all the fun he is definitely missing out on.

What’s this? Who is this absolute vision of a sim? Why, it’s none other than Handsome Chad, the handsomey  handsome star of the football team. Why yes, everyone does call him Handsome Chad. No, it’s not weird. It’s perfectly normal. Just ask Handsome Squidward.

And he plays chess? With Melvin? Melvin can’t believe his luck. He introduces himself, and—get this—it’s a positive interaction.

Now, I was led to believe that socially awkward sims would have a social failure rate of around 90%. Was I lied to? Is it, in fact, possible for Melvin to befriend people? This may be easier than I thought. I might have to add more rules.

Wait, what’s this? Melvin cannot believe his eyes. Becky and Johnny Five are watching the chess match between Handsome Chad and Melvin? And they are not making fun of him? I was told high school was full of cruel plastics with burn books and rules about wearing pink on Wednesday. What do you mean, movies aren’t real life? Psssh.

 Melvin decided to tell everyone a totally true conspiracy theory he learned from his father. “The earth,” he said confidently, “is flat. Everyone thinks the world is round because of the icons on the travel screen—but no! Flat earth, people! Just look at the ground!”

Becky is shocked. Shocked! But not Johnny Five, alien in disguise. He already knew. Again, positive interactions all around.

Melvin plays chess with everyone. He is just a slut for chess.

Tyrone.

Johnny Five.

Stacy. Oh, the lovely Stacy. Melvin powers up his mouth with an inappropriate remark. “I’d like to star-date you! Ha ha, get it? Star date?”

Oh, Melvin. Now there are gals who would be charmed by a Star Trek themed pick-up line, but I made Stacy and I know, for a fact, that this is the wrong way to go. She prefers Star Wars. Duh.

“Ewww,” Stacy says. ”Stop. I have a boyfriend.”

And just who is this boyfriend? Well, the boyfriend is none other than…Handsome Chad. You knew that was the answer, didn’t you Melvin? Didn’t you?

A rush of jealousy flows through Melvin. What does Handsome Chad have that Melvin doesn’t? I mean, sure, he has those muscle bound arms. A washboard stomach. Pecs for days. Yes, Chad, yes—dreamy Handsome Chad. But he also has Stacy, the woman of Melvin’s dreams. It isn’t fair. Handsome Chad has everything else; he doesn’t need Stacy too.

Melvin now has a new life goal—an obsession, really. He must break up Handsome Chad and Stacy. Then, when Stacy finally wipes away the last of her tears, she will see Melvin has always been there for her. She will fall into his waiting arms, and proclaim her love from the roof of the school. “Handsome Chad is a jerk,” she will say, while tongue-kissing Melvin (hey, don’t ask me how that works; this is Melvin’s fantasy).

On the way out of the Voidcritter Arcade, Melvin spies someone he hasn’t yet met: Brockley Spears. Melvin leans in close to spread a rumor, as required by his Drama Llama aspiration. “You know Handsome Chad?” Melvin says. “He’s actually a Vampire.”

Johnny Five, whose hearing is pretty standard, overhears Melvin’s overly loud whisper. He gives Melvin and Brockley some serious side-eye as he walks away. I bet he’s going to tell Handsome Chad.

At the end of the day, Melvin has had good interactions with everyone, is in a great mood, and has rolled no fears. He even has a want to work on his awkwardness.

I was promised drama, people. Where is it? I feel cheated.

I guess there’s always tomorrow.